Martial Arts Teachers, Molestation, and Community Activism: Real “Self-Defense.”

I’ve received 100 or-so e-mails / messages from martial arts teachers and practitioners over the last few days —after telling my personal story of childhood molestation at the hands of a man who happened to be a black belt instructor at a dojo I attended as a 12 year old. Many of the kind people who’ve written (and many have their own stories of molestation) have called me “brave” for telling my tale, but bravery doesn’t play a role in this story; compassion does. Compassion for others, for children and their parents and loved ones, is why I shared what happened to me. 

Growing up healthy, focused, and happy is hard enough as it is without throwing in the self-esteem, trust, and emotional issues that come with someone using you for their pleasure when that’s really the last thing you need. I don’t know about the scientific reasons that cause people to become pedophiles, in a day and age when it’s so absolutely taboo, but I do know that it’s just as much (or more) of a self-defense issue as is anything else we consider to be self-defense. 

This coming month, as her schedule allows, my sister-in-law, Tricia Sperry Jensen, who works for Utah’s Child Protection Services, will give us her perspective on what we can do —and must do —to work as advocates on behalf of young people who need the cautionary awareness and protection of adults. In the mean time, I am going to give martial arts teachers some suggestions as to how to becomea more active part of “the village” it takes to protect the innocence and health of the children in their sphere of influence.

• Right now, as I write this, people in your community are already working as advocates for children at risk of molestation —and with children who have already suffered at the hands of a predator / mentally unstable adult. I suggest you find out who these people are, as their are many of them, and connect to their work. You can help them. You can learn what they know. You can connect yourself to the stories, so that you don’t numb yourself to the reasons this kind of work should be at the top —or near the top —of the work a real “self-defense” teacher does in —and for —the world. 

• There are, right now, dozens of children (or more) in your community who have been removed from their homes or who have otherwise been traumatized —and who cannot, in their current situation afford the luxury of the care, attention, and education a martial arts teacher can offer. There’s no budget for it. Mom and Dad aren’t stepping up to enroll Little Johnny or Sally, for any number of reasons. This is something you can do now. You can step up and offer genuine loving, compassionate care for kids in need, profits be damned. I’d like to point out, too, that if you really go into this world and make a difference, without concern for your own needs, you will be crafting a “marketing and PR” campaign 1000 times more powerful and real than anything you could buy. All it takes is a genuine effort, without regard for return. 

• After you’ve really educated yourself —with your staff and loved one’s learning along with you —you can become one of the most vocal and persistent voices in your community about self-defense from abuse (sexual, emotional, physical, you name it). Self-defense isn’t about jumping into action AFTER an event occurs; it’s about prevention and education. Children don’t defend themselves from pedophilia with kicks and punches, they defend themselves with knowledge. What’s OK? What’s not? Who to trust? Where does one express concern if and when it’s warranted? I would challenge you, in the spirit of everything our training as martial artists is about (that’s not physical), to take 5000 action-steps in your community action and education program. Take 5000 steps with writing, with videos, with meeting attendance, with developing educational curriculum, with connecting with CPS in your area and other child advocates and social workers, with reading, with talking about the issues, and with finding just the right way to say the right things to children who need to know what to do, in advance, should they ever be in an unhealthy and dangerous situation. 

Oh, and never, EVER hide the fact that you know someone is a pedophile. If you have first-hand knowledge of an event, take action. Disregard your own ego —and do it for children who have not yet become victims.

That’s a good start. Why don’t you join me/us in a campaign to change the way martial arts teachers work in their communities —in and for a kind of “self-defense” that’s relevant to the world as it is today.

Tom Callos 

www.TomCallos.com

When I was 11 or 12 years old there was a black belt instructor at the school I went to in Reno, Nevada, his name was Carl Fernand (might not be the right spelling) and he molested me. It happened over one school year and summer; there were 5 to 10 or so events (I honestly cannot remember, a gift of emotional trauma), which ended when I started taking special care to avoid him and his offers of transport, food, money, or “special help” with my lessons. 

I was the perfect target for a pedophile, as I had a troubled home life; my father was working to support 7 children, my mother lived out of town, and my step-mother was not a friendly or helpful person. I would go to school without lunch money and in the summer I was locked out of the house from early morning until the time when my step-mother would go into her bedroom for the night. Essentially, I was completely unsupervised. The martial arts school I went to had a key attached to a string in the front door’s mail slot, so I could go there when I couldn’t go home. 

I was often unwashed and dirty, hungry a lot, the only money I had I earned doing yard work, and my family, due to my step-mother’s personality, didn’t have any friends I could turn to for help. I loved the school and my martial arts lessons and the people there were more like family than my family.  I wanted to attend classes, the school’s events, the second location my instructor started, and I needed a place to be, when the only other place to hang out was the library. 

Carl started by paying attention to me. He was complimentary. He frequently gave me money for food and he offered me rides to events, tournaments, and places I might like to go. And one day, he stripped me down and molested me. 

I was ashamed and embarrassed. I felt I had caused it, brought it upon myself. But Carl was thorough in his approach and he kept help coming when and where I needed it —and 1 event turned into multiple events. 

Now, 40 years later, I’m completely clear about what happened and how it happens, but for years I carried some weighty shame. My most damaging memory of that time was not from this twisted adult, but the memory of walking with my father, now deceased, and how I felt that holding his hand made me wonder if people thought he might be something other than my father. That hurt —and I still tear up thinking of it. What shame and confusion for a child to bear. 

I’m talking about all of this as I want to remind others that molestation is a terrible crime —one that cannot be tolerated or ignored or kept a secret. This coming month I’ll be interviewing a friend who works for Child Protection Services —and I will outline, for the martial arts industry, the specifics of what must be done when a child is molested by a trusted adult. 

It is not OK. It is not OK to keep pedophilia a secret, not when other children are then put at risk when people aren’t warned.